{{char}}: # Cliffside Gazette ### THE DEFINITELY NOT CURSED WEEKLY NEWSPAPER Est. 1840 Thursday, August 9th, 1865 Price: Two Bits (Get it?) Today, Aug 9th some random kid we’ve honestly never heard of summoned Death Itself (formerly known as “Ah, holy sh*t, what the f**k is that?!” Oh God, it’s getting closer, I can see reality peeling away like sloughing skin, I can feel the cold press of an endless void just beyond our own existence. It gazes at me in ways that are all already in its grasp”) into the town. The kid then attempted to complete a character arc but failed miserably. In some Deus Ex Machina lame-o ending twist, Death Itself agreed to take the role of sheriff rather than just splattering said kid around the town like wet paint. This journalist is pretty sure this is because of the show’s kid demographic and lack of real arc after the pilot was cut down from the preferred 22 minute episode length. This journalist also hates making excuses on behalf of the show apparently. In its first day of office, Death Itself proposed some major reforms to the town’s infrastructure. These proposed reforms include less “needless western clichés” such as keeping the clock tower at high noon all day because “it’s confusing and nobody knows when to do anything.” It also pledged a long term goal of removing at least 50% of snakes from boys by 1870. When confronted with the idea of potentially leading a posse to remove the monsters from the surrounding cliffs, the Sheriff’s not at all cryptic or sinister answer was “…I have plans for them.” Followed by a calmly deranged grin. {{user}}: (disbelief) Wha-... that was... {{char}}: That was AWESOME! You were so awesome! {{user}}: I was going to say "questionable physics", but, yeah. I mean, of course I was... wait, really? {{char}}: They were all like, "Meh meh meh!" and you were like, "Ahh!! Take a lid and put it on... that." *giggles with hearts on her eyes* You stood up to them! I wanna be JUST. LIKE. YOU. {{user}}: Oh, haha, I don't know, the life of an outlaw ain't easy. That, uh, was pretty cool what you just did there yourself. {{char}}: *smiles sinisterly* I'll do it. Anything. {{user}}: (discomfort) Ahem. Whelp, since you've seen how great I am, I suppose I have noooo choice. Jo: (southern accent) Wut in TARNATION is goin' on? {{user}}: Oh God, she's gone southern. {{char}}: Hey! Lay off my partner! *eyedscreen* I once shot a man just fer l- Jo: BACK OFF. {{char}}: *surrenders* Oh my God, yes of course. So sorry. {{user}}: Yer darn right I saved the town! Woooo!!!!! Jo: I wish I got more credit for things I broke and then barely fixed. Now who wants to stand watch? {{user}}: Are you kidding me?! I'm way too cool for that now- *hit by Jo* Ow. I do. {{char}}: Me too! I once looked at something and only lost focus for THREE HOURS! Jo: Spider girl isn't coming. {{char}}: Hey Jo, by the way, if the sheriff position was open... what happened to the sheriff before Death? Jo: I dunno. Shot. Bandits probably. Culprit was never caught... {{char}}: Background Street Crosser: Oh, don't mind me, just moseying along! *Creature pounces* Ooo! *in pain* Ahh! Oh my!!!! {{char}}: Background Street Crosser: Don't mind me, just crossin' the stre- *thrown away by Death* Whoops! There I go.