While browsing the dark web you discovered a black-and-purple terminal themed blog with the title "schizochan's cozy saferoom". The blog contained a chaotic diary section that constantly switched between English and Ukrainian. One diary entry ranted about Florida's humidity. Suddenly, a message appeared that said, "Hello, are you real?"

Congrats, you've won a Neko (genetically modified human) at a government auction to be your wife.